A Little Editing
Remember that writing contest I had a few weeks ago? Well, as part of that fun, I asked if I could use some of your entries as editing examples right here in front of everybody. With Jana’s permission, I’m going to show you a couple of ways I might approach the editing of her creative entry.
First, I’ll show you the original work.
The fire cast mirthless shadows over the face of a stranger. He was encircled by four armed men. A fifth man curiously appraised the unusual items that had been confiscated. One object was like a ring of red light reflecting the flames. Fascinated, the man reached out to nudge the object, half expecting it to be hot. He smiled as he held it in his hand, caressing its smooth cool surface, captivated by each intricate detail. He stepped closer to the fire when he noticed unfamiliar markings on the circular centerpiece. As he scrutinized it, he noticed movement within. He tapped it sharply to determine if it was alive. Then he held it up to his ear, quickly dropping it, startled. When it fell, it began emitting a green light. Trying to regain his dignity, he carefully retrieved the object. He ran his finger over a small bump on its side. The stranger jumped to his feet shouting unintelligibly, but was quickly stopped by four sharp spears held inches from his throat. Unfazed, the man continued his study, pushing on the strange protrusion. A flash of light suddenly enveloped him, blinding the observers. When it subsided, he had vanished.
Intriguing, don’t you think? Okay, here’s a quick line edit, keeping the contest’s word count limitations in mind.
The fire cast mirthless shadows over the face of a stranger. Four armed men encircled him while a fifth appraised the confiscated items. He reached for a ring of red that reflected the firelight, expecting it to be hot, then held it in his hand and smiled, caressing the smooth, cool surface. He stepped closer to the fire to study the ring’s intricate markings. Had they moved? Was it alive? He tapped the ring sharply, held it to his ear, then dropped it, startled by a foreign sound. When it fell, the ring began emitting a green light. The man looked over at the others who stood as still as statues, then retrieved the object. He ran his finger over a small bump on its side. At this, the stranger jumped to his feet and began shouting, but he was quickly silenced by four sharp spears held inches from his throat. Unfazed, the fifth man continued his study, pushing the strange protrusion. A flash of light suddenly enveloped him, blinding the observers. When it subsided, he had vanished.
Can you identify the changes in this version? I replaced some of the passive voice with a slightly more active voice here and there and attempted to clarify the action a bit. By defining the object as a ring, I made it something the reader could easily picture. That doesn’t mean Jana has to use a ring if she prefers some other device, but whatever the object, it needs to be described in such a way that the reader sees it immediately and can participate in the action along with the fifth man. And about that fifth man – as it is written, this is his POV, his story (or about to become his story).
Just for fun, I decided to play even more with the content. Now this is slightly more involved than a standard line edit, but I wanted to push a few of the ideas a bit farther, just to see what this could become. This isn’t necessarily a better version, just a different version. When I work with authors on the early stages of a book, I often offer suggestions like these to show the author alternative ways to color a scene. (Usually these suggestions are noted in margin comments, though, not in the midst of the narrative itself.)
The fire cast mirthless shadows over the face of the stranger. Four armed men encircled him. A fifth appraised the confiscated treasure, each item a curious enigma. His eyes were drawn to a ring of red reflecting the flames. He reached for the ring, expecting it to be hot, then smiled as he held it in his hand. He caressed the smooth, cool surface, captivated by the intricate detail.
He stepped closer to the fire to study the unfamiliar markings. They seemed to be moving. Was it alive? He tapped the ring sharply, but it did not scream. He held it to his ear, listened, then threw it down, frightened by the foreign language of click and whir.
When the ring came to rest on the stony ground, it began emitting a green light. The fifth man stood tall, turned to look at the others, grunted a false confidence, then bent down to retrieve the object. He ran his finger over a small bump on its side. The stranger jumped to his feet and began shouting unfamiliar words, but was quickly silenced by four sharp spears thrust within inches of his throat. Unfazed, the fifth man pushed the protrusion. Suddenly a flash of light enveloped him, blinding the other men.
When it subsided, he was gone.
As you can see, I added a few lines here and there. Maybe it works, maybe not. But these are the sorts of editorial changes and suggestions that lead to a spirited dialogue with the author. Sometimes the scenes look completely different at the end of the process than either the original or my first editing attempt. Sometimes they look very much like the author’s draft. And, of course, sometimes the scenes are cut entirely.
Now, the way this looks in practice is different than the above. In addition to the “comments” feature, I always use the “track changes” feature in Microsoft Word so the author can see everything I touched and I can see every change he or she makes throughout the back-and-forth process. Just for fun, I took a screen capture of my second edit with track changes turned on. This is the “red pen of death and life” at its finest – scary to look at, but upon closer inspection, it’s not so bad, really. The story is the same. And hopefully, the author’s voice is intact or better defined.
Okay, I’ve already missed my posting deadline, so I’m going to wrap this up for now. Thanks to Jana for allowing me to play with the fun scene she entered in the contest. If you want to play the part of the author, feel free to ask why I made a particular editing change or suggestion in either of the above examples. I’ll share my rationale and then you can nod and agree or tell me why I’m wrong. (Because I sometimes am, you know?)
Have a great Wednesday. See you here again tomorrow? Bring a friend. We’ll make s’mores.
2 Comments
Jana
I actually like what you did with it. No major objections here. Of course I’m a pretty easygoing person. You left most of my words intact and mostly just rearranged the structure of the sentences. I did quite a bit of that myself trying to get it to work with so few words. I had to make lots of changes I wouldn’t have otherwise. I probably did a lot of overthinking.
I liked your expanded version best, especially the second paragraph. That made me laugh. You also came up with some mysterious words that I hadn’t thought of.
Passive vs. active voice is a challenge for me. I don’t always recognize that I’m being passive. That is something I need to learn a little more about.
I also struggle with just how objective to be when writing in third person. I might have given a glimpse of the character’s thoughts, but I wasn’t sure. I don’t want to break up the flow or reveal too much. That’s something I’m trying to decide about my book as well.
I was not quite sure how to identify the object from the point of view of someone who had never seen a watch, so I just called it “the object” and “it”. Ring works well, I guess. That was an analogy I used. There might be something better, though.
Thank you very much for reviewing my writing. I’m actually very honored. I like hearing an objective opinion outside of my circle of family and friends. And thank you for being nice about it.
Steve P., ND
I forgot to mention the reason I let the watch morph into something else. When I approached the edit, I didn’t bring with me the knowledge that this was a story that had to include a watch. I just dove it an edited it as if I were seeing it for the first time. In doing that, the watch morphed into a ring.
I wonder if the fact that I saw it more as a ring spoke to a “gut feeling” about what worked best in the scene, or said something about the missing details that might otherwise have screamed “I’m a watch – I have to be a watch.” Not sure which. But this bring up a good point – describing something that someone hasn’t seen before is a real challenge. With more words, you probably could have done so (and this where the artificially imposed word limit rears its ugly head).
But this is a good segue into another point I want to make about the editorial process – sometimes the plot element (or character or setting or whatever) isn’t quite coming across the way you see it in your head. Editors might see something completely different. It’s through this give and take that the author finds the direction needed to either paint the scene in such a way that it matches what’s in her head, or re-dress it to be more like what the editor sees.
Glad it was a good experience. It is, as I always say here, a subjective thing. And in the context of a complete novel, the notes could be quite different. But I enjoyed toying with the scene a bit even under these contrived conditions.