“So it’s Friday and that means I can talk about whatever I want,” said Stephen.
“You can talk about whatever you want any day,” interrupted Stephen’s alter-ego, Pedro.
“I know that,” interjected Stephen, “but Friday is my day to be especially random.”
“Pedro?” queried Pedro. “You named me Pedro? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me,” countered Stephen. “Pedro is a fine name. What concerns me is this horribly stilted dialogue.”
“Tell me about it,” grumbled Pedro. “Not only am I saddled with a name that calls to mind an outdated Napoleon Dynamite reference, you’ve got me ‘interrupting’ and ‘querying’ and ‘grumbling’ and that’s just not right.”
“Yeah, well, look at me. I’ve ‘interjected’ and ‘countered’ and who knows what’s next,” puzzled Stephen. “Oh great, now I’ve ‘puzzled.’”
“Look, you’re in charge of this stupid conversation,” argued Pedro, “so why don’t you just fix it?”
“I will, eventually,” answered Stephen, “but I like to pound my point into the ground and then keep pounding it until the sound of the mallet against metal and mud gives everyone around me a headache.”
“Mission accomplished,” ached Pedro.
“So I don’t need to actually explain the point?” tribbled Stephen. “Oh c’mon, me. Tribbled? That’s not even a word.”
“Ha!” Exclaimed Pedro loudly. “You really sound stupid…hey…wait a minute. You just burdened me with an adverb!”
“That’s for laughing at me,” gargled Stephen.
“You just gargled!” burped Pedro. “I can’t believe you just gargled that sentence!”
“Yeah, well you just burped your words. Don’t poke fun at me or I’ll have you fart the next ones,” threatened Stephen.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” farted Pedro.
“Told you. Clearly, I rule,” gloated Stephen.
“Fine, you rule,” acquiesced Pedro. “Oh, c’mon, now. You’re making me look like a real loser.”
“I win!” celebrated Stephen.
“I’m afraid there are no winners in this conversation,” Pedro concluded brilliantly.
He was right.
Two: Upcoming Things
- The second contest starts next Friday. Here’s how it’s going to work. I’m going to give you three “First” sentences to choose from and three “Last” sentences. Your mission? Write a short story or scene that begins with any one of the First sentences and ends with any one of the Last sentences. What possible real-world writing skill am I trying to teach with this? I’ll tell you next Friday.
- I’m working diligently on a new semi-regular feature. It’s called “Doofus and Talent” and if you’ve spent more than five minutes in a dentist’s waiting room, you’ll know exactly what children’s magazine feature I’m ripping off.
- Also coming soon, the first in a series called “Things I Learned About Writing From…” or something like that, except there will be some other words where the ellipsis is now. And next week, I’m going to give you, yes give you, seven characters Guaranteed to Spice Up Your Novel. Just plug and play.
Okay. This has been Friday.
See you on Monday.