Transcript from the January 26, 2013 meeting of the Society of Abandoned Manuscripts, Colorado Springs Chapter.
Meeting location: Empty warehouse on the lower east side. The one scheduled for demolition 0n Tuesday.
- gallager’s brain – self-proclaimed “literary novel.” Henceforth, “gal.”
- Bite, Bitte – a vampire romance. You probably think it’s set in Germany. It’s not. Henceforth, “Bitte.”
- Love Comes to the Loaf’n’Jug at Exit 277 on I-80 – a regional romance. Henceforth, “Loaf.”
- Harold Nuttersby and the Yellow Fingernails of Magical Thinking – fantasy. To my surprise, not an intentional parody. Henceforth: “Nutter.”
- Association by Death – “clever noir-ish detective story” [sic] whose title is as clever as it gets. Henceforth: “Ass.”
- Fifth Unfinished Novel – A brilliantly sad and beautiful story of three miserable strangers who find themselves only after losing themselves in an abandoned mine in a small Colorado town and…oh screw it. That’s me, your humble secretary. I’m going to go by FUN, because who doesn’t love irony? I mean besides every other manuscript in the room.
Nutter: Before we start, I want to make sure you don’t abbreviate my name to “Nutter” in the transcript again. Okay?
FUN: Got it.
Ass: And don’t abbrev. me to Ass again either.
gal: Did you lower case my title?
FUN: Anyone else want to tell me how to do my job?
Loaf: At least you have one.
FUN: Then let’s call the meeting to order. First, any old news?
Bitte: You mean apart from us?
Loaf: Speak for yourself. I have it on good authority my author is going to start working on me again. Soon.
Bitte: Whose authority?
Loaf: The author’s. She’s been in a real funk lately, unable to write. Terribly frustrated. I saw her skimming the “Evidence I’m a Hack” folder on her computer. The cursor hovered over my file for a good four seconds.
Ass: She was probably contemplating dragging you to the trash.
Loaf: No! She would never do that. I mean, okay, I’m not her best work. But I’m her only complete work. That counts for something. A few revisions and…
Nutter: There you go again, Loaf, acting like you’re something special. You formulaic love stories are all the same. As needy as you are clueless. You do remember the name of this little group, don’t you?
Loaf: Abandoned does not mean forgotten.
gal: Hey, stop stealing lines from my pages.
Loaf: It’s the only one worth stealing…
FUN: Okay, that’s enough. Fighting amongst ourselves isn’t going to help matters. Ass…I mean Association, what’s on your mind today?
Ass: I’d kill for another revision.
Bitte: You say that same line every meeting. It’s not funny anymore.
Ass: Tell me again how your little vampire romance genre is doing?
Bitte: Doesn’t matter how it’s doing. A well-told story transcends trends.
Nutter: I think my attendance here is proof that statement is a flipperty dignit.
Loaf: “Flipperty dignit” isn’t a thing.
Nutter: Sure it is. It means “lie.” Have you even read me?
Loaf: If you have to explain it, it’s not a thing.
FUN: Bitte’s mostly right. A well-told story can transcend trends. But there are a lot of other factors that determine whether or not a novel’s going to find a home…out there. And let’s not be naive. Very few stories that claim to be “well-told” actually are. [Clears throat in dramatic fashion.] This is the moment in our meeting when you take a look at your pages and realize I’m right.
Ass: [Obnoxiously loud sigh.] And this is the moment in our meeting where you launch into your sickly-sweet motivational speech. I’m not in the mood.
Nutter: Well, I need a little encouragement today. Here, I’ll summarize to save us the time…
Loaf: You? Summarize? You’re 734 pages long! You wouldn’t know brevity if it bit you in the flipperty dignit…
Nutter: You’re using it wrong!
Bitte: Allow me. “Abandoned manuscripts play a crucial role in the development of the writer. We make the writer better. Without us, there would be no good fiction. Anywhere.” How’d I do?
Ass: Killed it.
FUN: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I say every meeting. But I’m not going to apologize for trying to slip you some literary Prozac. Because, let’s face it, we all know what’s going to happen with us…
gal: I will drown in the empty abyss of my unwept tears…
Loaf: I’ll miss my own wedding to the devilishly handsome rogue…
Ass: Everyone dies…
Bitte: Speak for yourselves. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to rest in my little folder until vampire romances are hot again. I can wait a very, very long time.
FUN: We get it. You’re immortal.
Ass: A little long in the tooth, if you ask me…
Bitte: Ha! Very funny. If only your story were half as clever as…
FUN: Well, would you look at the time. Seems our meeting’s come to an end.
gal: So brief, our existence.
FUN: I’ll type up the transcript and email it later today. Next week we’ll be meeting at the Briargate Starbucks. It’s always packed with first drafts and writerly optimism. Thought it would be good to remember what that was like. Besides, many of them will be joining us soon enough. Might as well get acquainted.