1. I’ll have to purchase a whole new wardrobe from somewhere other than Wal-Mart so people don’t accuse me of wearing my false modesty like a neon sign. 2. Jerry Bruckheimer will want to add explosions to the movie adaptation of my bittersweet love story. 3. I’ll be the guest who gets bumped from Letterman when his lovefest interview with Julia Roberts runs long. 4. Struggling authors will hold quarterly “Hate Stephen Parolini” days to coincide with the receipt of their royalty statements. 5. An interviewer will ask me questions like “Did you know you had written a bestseller?” and “What’s your secret to writing a bestseller?” over and over…